my new bang made me do it

You just had a blowout and you refuse to let it go to waste. It’s time to show the world that there is something a little different about you.

So you head to your local bar and ask out the cute bartender you’ve always had a crush on. She respectfully turns you down, but she’s fine, no matter. with this hair? You’ll find someone else in no time!

On the way to his favorite coffee shop, he sees his reflection in a car window and decides to finally treat himself to that croissant he’s always looking at. After all, it seems you deserve it.

You are walking home and see a child in the middle of the street, about to be run over by oncoming traffic! Don’t hesitate: your new blast-inspired confidence allows you to rush in and save him at the last moment. You are a hero. Also, think of the dazzling advertising photos.

You buy expensive tickets to a courtside basketball game, even though you don’t even like sports, just to get on the jumbotron. For added insurance, you kiss the stranger next to you with such passion that the Kiss Cam can’t ignore it. You do a dramatic hair change that results in bloody noses for both you and the lucky stranger. But who cares? No amount of blood or pain can take the glory away from these luscious locks.

A few days later at the office, you pretend it’s your birthday so everyone has a chance to look at you and ask, “Did you do anything new with your hair?” Yes. Yes you did. His boss begs him to go back to work, but he hired a professional photographer for the day and you are getting your money’s worth.

You haven’t showered in weeks and your friends are worried about you. Sure, maybe your hair has been looking a little greasy lately, but you saw on TikTok that human hair is so absorbent it’s used to clean up oil spills, so now you’re basically an environmentalist.

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You’re finally looking for your long-lost brother after sitting on Ancestry.com results for months. Facing such a big family breakup scared you before, but, if you’re going to meet him, now is probably the time to do it, while looking this good, right?

Several people have begged you to wash your hair, but you ignore them. After all, this blowout set you back $49.99. You’re not going to give it up now. Acquaintances keep telling you that “you’re not acting like yourself” and that “you’ve never looked worse.” Although you must admit that the overload of oil has become undeniable. So you start collecting the oils to sell as an expensive serum on Instagram!

You meet your ex on the street and feel relieved to find her when you are having a great hair day. Turns out she barely recognizes you. You smile as she walks away from her. Clearly you must be doing something right, you look like a new woman!

Suddenly you find yourself caught in a storm and your magnificent hair days have sadly come to an end. Standing there soaking wet, there’s no turning back from this. But you realize that it’s okay. At least you managed to make your blowout last six wonderful months. ♦