Parks and Recreation may have ended in 2015, but the wisdom of Ron Swanson (nickofferman)—and his obsession with meat, whiskey, and woodworking—is timeless. So if you’re looking ron swanson quotesWe’ve got them!
Ron Swanson may seem like a man of few words, but over the course of seven seasons of the series, he shares his thoughts on just about everything, from hard work (i.e., the virtues of avoiding it) to his distrust of Romantic relationships stemming from his two disastrous marriages to women named Tammy.
has had a lot of life experience, but her character hates being asked for advice.
“If any of you need anything, too bad,” Swanson once said on the show. “Address your problems on your own, like adults.”
Here are some hilarious and memorable quotes from Pawnee’s legendary parks director.
Ron Swanson Quotes
1. “There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that lies about being milk.”
two. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in worrying about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never knew his name. Best friend I always had. We still never talk sometimes.”
3. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cold, or be nothing.”
Four. “Fishing relaxes me. It is like yogaexcept I can still kill something.
5. “When I eat, it is the food that is afraid.”
6. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait… I’m worried that what you heard was, ‘Give me lots of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
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7. “I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 years old, I got hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed away.”
8. “Don’t start chasing applause and praise. Thus lies madness.”
9. “I call this territory and territory. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce sirloin. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I’m going to consume all of this at the same time because I’m a free American.”
10 “I am a simple man. I like pretty women with dark hair and food for breakfast.”
eleven “When people get too friendly with me, I like to call them the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
12 “If there was more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”
13 “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose in the most extreme circumstances it can be a surface on which to make art.”
14 “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”
fifteen. “I regret nothing. The end.”
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sixteen. “I wish you the best of luck, but I believe that luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
17. “Clear alcohols are for women rich in subsistence allowance.”
18. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and in the Grand Canyon.”
19. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, shaved, shaved.”
twenty. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men to gladiators. And from gladiators to Swansons”.
twenty-one. “On my deathbed, my last wish is for my ex-wives to run to my side so I can use my last breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
22. “Normally, if given a choice between doing something or nothing, I would choose to do nothing. But I’ll do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I would work all night, if it meant nothing was done.”
23 “When I entered this morning and I saw the flag was at half mast, I thought ‘Okay, another bureaucrat ate it!'”
24. “I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. Shows zero initiative. He is not a team player. He has never wanted to go the extra mile. Tom is exactly what I look for in a government employee.”
25. “The goal of this country is that if you want to eat garbage, inflate yourself to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can do it! You are free to do it. To me, that’s beautiful.”
26 “There is only one bad word: taxes.”
27 “Good job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.”
28 “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and have been successfully ignoring it. But this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I stay still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m fine. I have this.”
29 “Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is much more deadly than this bow of yours.”
30 in bowling: “Right in the middle. No hook, no twist, no fuss. Anything else and this becomes figure skating.”
31 “I’d rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.”
32. “Give 100 percent. One hundred and ten percent is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
33. “Never do two things in halves. All ass one thing.
3. 4. “Keep your tears in your eyes, where they belong.”
35. “You had me on ‘Meat Tornado.'”
36. “My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My mom’s name is Tamara…she calls herself Tammy”.
37. “Sting like a bee, but don’t float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”
38. “You accidentally gave me the food that eats my food.”
39. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to stop the words from coming out.”
40 “Friends: one to three is enough.”
41. “The government is a greedy little pig that sucks on a taxpayer’s tit until its cracked nipples ache.”
42. “I love being a father, but there are some things I miss: silence. The absence of noise. A single moment without being disturbed by the sounds of a children’s show called Doc McStuffins.”
43. “It makes no sense for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can get out and stand on it.”
44. “For me, an ideal night out is going out on my porch area and grilling a thick slab of meat on something and then showing off a WNBA highlight reel.”
Four. Five. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures’, use an atlas or a radio ham.”
46. “It’s always a good idea to show your coworkers that you can take a tremendous amount of pain.”
47. “Fishing is only for sport. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
48. “A rage is allowed every three months. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
49. “I’ll take that fillet to carry out. please and Thank you.”
fifty “The key to burning an effigy of an ex-wife is to dip it in paraffin wax and then throw the burning bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Don’t get too close when lighting an ex-wife’s effigy.”
51. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good meat to share.”
52. “I prefer quality to flash, which is why I refuse to italicize my signature.”
53. “Live your life the way you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.”
54. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent crook.”
55. “People are idiots, Leslie.”
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